New year, New us!

I love that probably no one will watch this, but I have to say making videos makes you feel better than you'd think! :)

P.s. I have to say the fact that these videos work before i upload them and then decide to not match my words like an old kung fu movie is pissing me off so I'm sorry!

1 YEAR?!

bad quality video but basically I'll let you know when I can get this vlog idea going I hope you follow me!

p.s. please actually let me know how you're doing I want to know how everyone is! :)

hey hey hey

wow it's been a long time-too long! i haven't been writing for a while because there has been SO much going on. There has been some family stuff happening and I was using food for a way out;but not anymore. this last week i have been on weight watchers fully and I am feeling good. I am cooking more and relaxing a bit more because school is out! i am done with high school, it's crazy! But now i have even more time to devote to getting in shape. I have made a pact with my friend to go to the gym everyday and kick our butts. I have been having trouble lately because my back has been KILLING me. I don't know what it is it just randomly started hurting and it's really bad. I don't want to go to the doctor!! I hate doctors :( But it is another wake up call to get my butt moving and in shape. I should be writing more regularly againnn :) I've missed you all!

Off to the gym...

see ya!

Feeling amazing!!!

So last night was hell. I had eaten gross and the zipper of the dress I had been working on for hours for a competition thursday completely broke. i was about to die! But today i've eaten good and i feel amazing. I fixed my dress and now it is better and i have a whole look for it! AND AND AND about 2 months ago my photography teacher had started talking about a competition that we would have to enter. My high school is a part of a college so we take college courses there. So for my photography class we had to enter 3 pictures to an art show the college has. It's basically every type of art at the school so there was a chance photography wouldn't even be picked. On top of that, there was only one judge so the taste of him meant everything. And lastly we were still high school kids we didn't really stand a chance. My teacher said he's only had one winner in his class ever. So today i was completely SHOCKED when i heard that my picture had been chosen for the show. I didn't think this picture was that good at all!!! there were many better but now I am in it and im so excited!!!
Here's the picture! (like i said, it's not great but hey i'm not complaining about getting in!) :)

Hiiiiiiiii

so i've been avoiding you all. don't get me wrong, i love you! but i just have. It really shocked but amazed me how many of you are trying so hard to support me. I am going to be worthy of your support! tomorrow I am on track again! I have my whole life ahead of me and i have big plans. speaking of, how about a little advice from you guys since you are so good at giving it!! So i went to a "woot you're 18" birthday dinner with my parents where we are supposed to talk about my future...dun dun dun! well i was very worried about telling them my hopes...i want to move...some distance away...out of the country.... :) i wasn't expecting them to take it so lightly but i dont really know what they think. I'm pretty sure they believe me moving to England is a stupid idea but for some reason it just feels right for me. Its just something that when i think of it, i feel like it's the right thing for me. I was hoping you all could give me some advice about what to do. I want to travel and see the world and there is no way in hell I am staying in this shit hole. I was considering a college downtown but since i live in Chicago it doesn't seem far enough. I don't know what I should do. I don't know 100% of what i want to do career-wise but i feel like i can feed off of experience more than anything else. Dont worry i'm 100% sure im going to college but i dont know where to go and for what without wasting my money. I CAN'T go to community college I'll die!! i want new places with new people I want a fresh start. As for weight, I am remotivated for this new start new me. Well not all new just a healthier me! im ready to cook and workout and get my ass in shape! that's all for now! love you guys! :) p.s. Man named Rob, you're too nice! I was trying to find your blog but can't find! leave me your link if you see this !!

I'm back...to where i started

i'm disgusted with myself. i simply don't know what to do anymore. you know when you get into that way of gaining and you just feel hopeless and all you do is gain some more? i hope that's not just me. ironically, biggest loser was the catalyst. i've been wanting to try out for that show since i was 14 and now i was turning 18 i thought for sure it was fate that i be on the show. So when i decided to try out i decided i better not lose weight. it was the dumbest thing i've ever done and now i'm paying for it. OF COURSE i didn't make the show, what was i thinking? I'm definitley one to day dream and think of "what if" and obviously, get caught up. What have i done to myself? I know there's nothing I can do but get up and start again but i am so not motivated. The worst thing you can do is feel as though you're not worth it and thought i know it's wrong I can't help but think it. All i can think of is how I am going to graduate and go TO PROM FAT. This blog was a complete failure. I didn't lose any pounds for prom. I'm not shopping for a dress and I'm definitley not going with a date. I just don't know what to do to get myself started again. I've done this so many times before it's not fair that we have to struggle with this time after time. I just want to be healthy and feel good. i can completely tell the difference I feel like crap. Eating the way I do makes me lazy, resulting in gaining weight and sending me into comforting myself in food and into this cycle. But when i signed on tonight on my blog and saw how people actually wanted to know how I was doing I was first ashamed. I was hoping you all thought I got rid of internet or something...but no. It's not the truth. I can't even remember the last time i was at weight watchers. Ugh this post is depressing and whiney i hate it. I don't know if I'll post it. I just need some support does anyone have any advice for me? anyone please help me :(

Inside and Out

So a while back I learned at fat camp and of course from the Biggest Loser that if you're going to lose weight and fix the outside, you must also fix the inside. If you don't, you will go right back to your old ways. So I have decided to see a counselor. My first meeting with her was yesterday and I think I'm really going to like it. I was embarassed to go to one because we see counselors and therapists as for crazy people only. But after only an hour with her I felt so much better. I think it will be a good way to let my feelings out rather than eating my emotions. This morning my friend and I worked on our gym project because we waited until last minute and we made fiber one pancakes...so good! and only 3 points! but it is time for me to go back to class now :( but speaking of classes i went to one at the gym and it was awesome! I'm definitley going back to one maybe tonight!! :)

Liquid Ass

Is the worst invention I have ever heard of. Make that ever have been a victim of. Basically today my friend's brother decided to spray me and her with this horrid thing. We literally smelled like poo I almost vomited. I couldn't believe who would invent such a thing let alone buy it. And let me tell you NO amount of febreeze takes away the smell. But it did help me not eat because i felt so sick. And as for pictures, I've decided to do biweekly instead to actually show progress. But i have been doing well and tomorrow ashley and I are going to a gym class where they will kick our asses!!!! How did everyone else do on superbowl? p.s. YAYAYAYAY for the Saints!

OH MY GOSH

PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I cannot believe it has been a WEEK since I have posted!! Im serious I have been so busy I feel like I was on here yesterday! But so on tuesday i wasnt planning on going to my weight watcher meeting. I know it's horrible but i am in this club and competition is right around the corner and i had that on top of homework and everything and I needed the time! But i did make time for the gym. Well as i'm walking out of the gym I run into my weight watcher leader!!! I was like no damn way! She was like oh kelly!! how are you? youre coming tonight right? How could I say no! I couldn't! But i did feel pretty beast that she saw me coming back sweating from the gym :) so I ended up going and I'm glad I did. Even if I'm already motivated, the meetings get me more pumped I love them! Also, I'm home from school and I'm about to watch a movie from netflix (LOVEEE netflix). I was scanning through documentaries because I'm a nerd and I love them and I came across "Fat: What no one is telling you" And its obvious what its about but im about to watch it in a few minutes here and I hope it scares the bejeezus out of me as extra motivation! Also, I found an amazing secret I must share with all of you! We bought fat free plain yogurt (disgusting by itself!) but then we added some of the ranch seasoning mix into it and it tastes like thick creamy ranch dressing!! Its so good and its only 1 point for 1/3 of a cup yogurt with 1/2 tbsp mix! Thats more dressing than you know how to use! Well that's all for now Pictures later tonight! Love all of you again sorry I've been caught up still cant believe its been a week damn!

An Angel named Nana

So I was feeling kind of junky the last week and though I bought new food and was getting hyped up I still needed another little push. Well My Nana is the cutest thing of life and today I opened the mail to find something for me! In it was this poem:


Don't Quit
When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down
and you feel like the biggest failure in town;
When you want to give up just because you gave in
And forget all about being healthy and thin;
So What! You went over your points a bit;
It's your next move that counts...So don't you quit!


It's a moment of truth, It's an attitude change;
It's learning the skills to get back in your range;
It's telling yourself "You've done great up till now;
You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow".
It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal;
You're still gonna make it, just stay in control.


To stumble and fall is not a disgrace
If you summon the will to get back in the race;
But, often the strugglers when losing their grip
Just throw in the towel and continue to slip
And learn too late when the damage is done
That the race wasn't over and they still could of won.


Life-style change can be akward and slow
But facing each challenge will help you to grow;
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint in the cloud of doubt.
When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit;
If you bite it you write it..But don't you quit!


It really made my day and remotivated me. And I plan on sharing it at my next Weight Watcher meeting! I love my Nana :)

And as promised, here are the pictures! I'm shocked I am posting these horrid images but this is how much I do for all of you!

But like the poem says, my next step is the one that counts.

Grocery Shopping!!

So I missed cooking! So yesterday I forced my sister to go grocery shopping with me! I give props to my dad because it is hard to shop for a family of 6 plus friends! And we've only done it twice! But we got really healthy foods! So i'm excited to start cooking again, I was inspired by Tj from TJ's TEST KITCHEN!! Love her recipes! But I know its a week late but double week pictures tonight! woot woot! Sorry!! Also going to the gym tonight! I need to kick my ass :)

I'm sew excited!

Punny! Sorry, puns amuse me. But basically I'm a sewer, it's my hobby. I have taken sewing in school every year except for this year because I go to a weird half college school now but I am going to go in to sew at the main campus now that I get out of class at 11 on tuesday and thursdays and no school Friday! So I really wanted to make some good stuff my senior year so I asked my friend if I could make a prom dress for her. She agreed and I'm so excited!! Plus, I'm going to enter the dress into a Joann's Contest where if I win, which is unlikely but might as well try, i win $50,000 for college! Which the Lord knows I need! But it's really making me think about Prom coming up I feel like it's around the corner :( But it's just motivating me more! :)

Blahhh

Well as much as I don't want to go to weight watchers, I'm going. I used to do that-when I gained I wouldnt go and I told myself id lose it all plus more the next week. well a month later i was up weight and thats how i gained so much. so I am NOT doing that. I am going, weighing in, what happens happens, and then work hard for the next week. Gym tomorrow :)

Parties, Parties, and More Parties

HEY!!! So this weekend has been nothing but parties. Saturday it was my twin grandma's birthdays and we had a party. And since the whole family was in for them, my cousins bridal shower was sunday. Then, tonight is a Kickoff party for Relay for Life which is a cancer event where you raise money and walk for cancer and stuff where we're walking for my Best Friend's mom. So I was anticipating a lot of temptation. but the food sucked at both parties!!! What is that! And i think it made it worse. Becuase ipicked at stuff i didnt really like. I honestly did not do very well this week and i'm really pissed because i'm expecting to gain tomorrow and i gained last week when i did amazing so it's really frustrating. But I can still revive myself at the kickoff party tonight, so wish me luck!! :)

THINNERVIEW!

Ahhh!!! I got the results online.....DAMN I look so skinny I wish it was real! :(

A journey of a thousand miles

begins with one step. I LOVE this quote. Today my mama went out for a day for herself after work and got a haircut and did a little shopping and such. Well of course being the amazing person she is she ended up picking up a gift for me!! When she told me that I couldn't think of anything she could possibly get. Then she went into the bag and brought out this amazing ring. It is sterling silver and it twists in the middle and engraved on it is this quote. She said she'd thought I'd like it referring to my weight loss journey. like...Like...LIKE?!?! I LOVED IT. I'm obsessed actually. I've been wanting for over a year now a ring with something engraved in it to remind me to do good with my weight loss. I did get the ring of my dreams for christmas but it isn't anything to do with my weight loss. This is exactly what I wanted and I'm so happy it will definitley help me! Also, I told you I sent a picture through Thinnerview. Well today the pictures came...DAMN! I am skinny! I couldn't believe it!! But my scanner isnt working and OF COURSE we have no camera...whats the deal with no cameras on thursday, "progress picture day thursday" I swear, Can't win! But I am doing well went to the gym today and I am getting a battery charger for my professional camera tomorrow hopefully so Pictures then, and also I will probably be putting up some of my photography progressively because it is fun!! :)

Good is bad today

So i have done phenominal this week. i tracked every day, i cooked, i worked out, i did everything. But today at the weigh in i gained .8 :( I didnt understand and immediatley got upset. But then i talked to my friend Joe and he was saying how he gained too because he made the mistake of eating soup. DAMNIT!! I had soup for lunch. I thought, well its healthy and will keep me full. Well it was holding onto all my water because of the dang sodium! Plus, my leader was telling me that if i want to work out legit, it's amazing but i will be fighting the scale with muscle and such. So i just need to remember that i felt amazing before 6:20 and i just need to do the same this week and it will show on the scale next Tuesday. Ahhhh I was just really excited and i love the numbers but i definitley feel good :)

iEjercicio!

That's spanish for Exercise! Lately Ashley and I have been beasts about working out- we went twice today! The first time we did strength training and then we went back for cardio later! We felt so empowered! And we have this new "tradition" where after we work out we go home and have a full on fresh fruit smoothie to reward ourselves! Its refreshing, healthy, and something to look forward to! Also, the eating has been good and I'm just feeling great. Can't wait until tomorrows weight in!!! That's all for now :)

Today's a new day :)

So yesterday was crap. But thanks to all of you I decided to make today good! I went to the gym for over an hour and ate with the guidelines !! Stayed in my points and tracked woot! Well today I set a post-prom goal. My friend from fat camp has been begging me to come visit her for like 2 years! Well, I decided why not? just go! it wil be amazing and it will be a bit expensive but think of it as a senior trip! Well, she lives in Australia!! I want to go so bad! I've been talking to my mama about it and I'm trying to get her to go halvsies with me on the plane ticket! It's damn expensive to fly! And while it is a 30 hour plane ride I want to go so bad! I miss her and hello, it's Aussie! So one of my new goals is to be looking like a show stopper by August for when I go. It would be amazing and I want to make the most of it! Plus, i have to say that i found this site called Thinnerview.com through Whitney and it's so cool! you basically send in a picture of you and they virtually slim you down for motivation. It's a bit expensive but I'm thinking it's worth it! i'm just waiting for it to be done!! Yay! Now i'm trying to read up on the amazing blogs out there ! How was everyone's day? :)

Venting Time

Today really sucked. It was just one of those days. I had to wake up 2 hours early because I had a lot to do before I went to school. Well, i was happy because I did it all and felt so productive. But when I got to school I was informed that I had missed my first period class that i didn't know i had because it's the weird semester change. So I had to explain to my teacher why I wasn't there. Then, I suddenly started thinking of Jackie and decided I was just going to talk to the stupid counselor and get over with it because I knew if I talked about it I'd feel better afterwards. Well I try to get to the counselor when the Dean finds me and tells me that everything with my payments for my college classes are all messed up so that was annoying. So finally I get to talk to the counselor. Well let me tell you it was really akward I've only talked to her like twice. But we basically sat in a room with tons of damn windows while I sobbed and i could see everyone staring at me! Of course this was during gym so I was missing it when i had intended on being out of her office by the end of the passing period. Well after like 25 minutes I calmed down enough to go to my car to get my gym clothes when I broke down in my car for another 20 minutes. So then I finally get to gym class where we're doing this psycho thing and i just don't have the energy for it. After gym I went to government where i had a HUGEE migraine from crying my stupid brains out. Which, apparently I don't have a brain because my teacher told me that the test i studied 3 days straight for like 2 hours each day I got a D on. Then, we had to take a quiz on something I wasn't there for so i probably failed that too. Then I went home where i felt so sick but had made plans to hang out with my friend Ashley and this guy Jim that we grew up with but havent seen in years so it was like a reunion. Well, Ash invited this other girl who didnt even really know Jim but was in our neighborhood and don't get me wrong, i love her but of course her and Ash were so obnoxious the whole time and i felt like I was left to have to entertain Jim which of course I felt so insecure about the whole time wondering what he thought of me after all these years, I mean i'm still fat! And I just felt like i said random stuff that didnt make any sense and he thinks i'm a total crack ass. So that sucked ass. Then Ashley had to be home at 9 so we had to end it early and had the akward goodbye and then I went home thinking that I wish I had not been such a douche bag! And of course I talked to my best friend Jazzy but I can't hang out with her because she left for California today so I'm at home alone at 9 on a Weekend! I ate some things I shouldn't have, not too bad but off track and of course I did't work out in gym so I feel twice as bad!! ughhh :(

And then of course i go to take the weekly picture and i feel like i look bigger. really?!

this has been a bad day. thank you for letting me vent. I'm usually a positive person but I have to let the negative out so I don't hold on to it. Thanks for listening :)

Berry Good Day!

wow, i'm so punny! Well today i had an AMAZING day!! I had the most amazing meals that i cooked myself and impressed myself! I just tryed new things I just threw stuff together and I was like DANGGGG I'm the next Emeril!! I also documented it for all of you...okay it was really for myself but it was fun :)

For breakfast, I made the fiber one pancakes. I've made these a few times but today I was like hmm, let's add some fresh blueberries! then I decided why stop there, why not get a little crazy?! so i added slices of bananas...let me tell you, i did not need syrup. they were soooo good. But it was a little hard to cook the batter so they didn't turn out pretty, but they did turn out tastey :) Here's some pictures!!

Here they are cooking!

Cooked!

A delicious bite...don't mind the random pill!

For a snack I had yogurt and fresh blackberries. Which is already amazing, but it wasn't just any yogurt...it was BANANA yogurt! I LOVEEE bananas and i don't know why i have never seen or thought about banana yogurt, it is the best thing of life! AH! It tastes almost like a custard, i just about died!

uhhh...amazing!!

And then after school my friends and I went and got manicures because my best friend Jazz is going to Cali tomorrow! Well afterwards my friend Lindsey and i hung out at my house. Well, me and Lindsey haven't seen eachother in a while so we were just talking and catching up and I had the sudden urge to cook. I was going to have a Lean Cuisine but I was like can i cook for you? and of course she said yes! It literally took me an hour but it was fun! I made wheat pasta with sauteed veggies and Fat Free mozzarella. It took so long to chop all the veggies and get the onion and bell pepper just right, but it was amazing! And the thing I don't like about wheat pasta is it has the really starchy after taste that i don't like. Well I randomly decided to cook it with vegetable boullion water instead and it was amazing!! The pasta soaked all the juice up, i didn't even have to drain anything and it gave it amazing flavor and it was almost creamy. Ah it was so good! my friend was impressed and then Jazz came over and made me make it for her all over again!

chopping the vegetables!

Final product :)

Then, Ashley and I (work out buddy!) Went to the gym at 9! it was amazing and then i came home and saw the amazing comments from my followers :) Ah life is good today!

I'm honored

to have won a beautiful blogger award! I had no idea what it was but i'll take a try at it!

So i gues i'm supposed to write 7 things about myself. Well, that kind of annoys me because:

1.I have some weird pet peeves. First, I loathe odd numbers. They aren't even!! It's annoying it's like they are incomplete or something. I have a weird thing where I count everything. how many steps i take and they have to even on each foot or else i have to pretend to trip, and double up on one. yes, i know i think i have OCD or something. I also count all the letters in a word and try to make an even pattern in my head...wow i'm going to stop talking before i lose all my followers! Well another peeve is DVDs. I mean really, whats the point of upping the technology? VHS's were where it was at! You could buy them for cheaper, and let them bang around your house for 10 years, and guess what...they would NEVER skip. ugh i hate dvds! My last and biggest peeve i will share with you is cracking bones. it just makes me sick i dont know why. People think i'm weird but they know not to do it around me :)

2. My favorite thing to do in the whole world would probably be to drive around belting out to music with my friends. For some reason, it's just amazing! My favorite is when you can roll down the window and your hair is flowing like a movie! woo! But with gas prices...that activity has become quite expensive!

3. My favorite time of the year is Fall. I LOVEEEE it. I love the breeze and the way the air smells. I also love the beautiful scenery with the leaves changing colors and the crunch of the leaves crushing under your shoes. I LOVE going on walks in the fall :)

4. I live in the past, it's actually quite unhealthy. I always think "what if" or "did i do this right". I really can't let anything go. That's why I'm going so crazy with Jackie.Last time we were supposed to hang out i called her and she was at work. Then I got a message from her asking if i wanted to hang out after she got off. Well i already made plans and said no. I wish I had hung out with her. And i know it's not like i knew, but i'm just one of those that live in the past and i hate it.

5. Ironically, I think about the future A LOT. I over analyze everything so planning college is ridiculous. I change my mind about everything not becuase I don't know what I want, but because there are so many factors to everything. Like well i want to go away for college because i want to experience things in life. Or should i stay home for college and be with my family? I don't know! Should i do what i love and be a photographer, or do what i love second and make money? sajfkals It's crazy! I cant wait until im like 200 years old and i just get to be the wise grandma.

6. Out of all the things I hate about my body, which is alot, the most i'm pissed about is my hair. I mean yes, i understand, I'm fat but really?! i couldn't even have some damn hair?! I swear I'm like a serial killer reincarnated and I'm being punished in this life! My hair is literally so thin you can see through it. That's why i dyed it dark it helps a little. But i can't have long hair which makes me feel a little prettier because it gets long and stringy. I cant curl it because i will literally have 5 curls and scalp. GAH! it makes me so mad. I hate girls that have amazing hair and take it for granted.and OF COURSE everyone in my family has good hair but me! :(

7. Hmmm, number 7. The final (odd) one. What can i tell you in a couple sentences about myself? Well the one thing i'm looking for in life is pure happiness. I know, everyone else is too. But i mean that's truly my one goal. I want to travel around the world and see people and cultures. There's so much outside of this bubble America. Kids starving and people that live in villages and we take it for granted every day. I just want to live my life with no regrets. But to start it, yes i have to lose weight. And i hate that everything i do comes back to my weight. So i want to lose it so my weight no longer defines me. Instead, I just want to be able to be myself and it be enough. I know we've all been there. When we walk into a grocery store and swear we can hear rude remarks. I just want to be done being paranoid and live :)

Now, I have to award 7 others! Yay! Well i recieved this from the amazing Diana and I would truly want to put her on her but i dont know if thats allowed seeing she gave it to me...she says she doesnt like awards so i wont make her do it again but know diana you would be on there! actually, you would all be on there but this is at random! you're all amazing!! :)

Allison!

Arlene!

AP!

Margo!

Muffy!

Patsy!

Whitney!

hahaha this is almost in perfect alphabetical! creeeeeeepy !

Weigh in Wonders :)

So today was weigh in at weight watchers! I wasnt planning on posting how much i lost every week up here but with the amazing support i've been getting I have to share! With the death of my friend and everything this week I didn't think I was going to do very well. But ironically, she's what pushed me to do amazing this week by teaching me life is too short. So I went grocery shopping and got a work out buddy as you all know and it definitley showed on the scale! I lost 1.2 pounds!! I'm so excited i can't wait for next week :)

Hey shawty, it's my birthday

And i'm going to party like it's my birthday! In weight watchers my leader Tracy, which sorry, sidetrack moment, is my legit hero. She is so amazing it's unreal. She is hilarious and everytime i go to a meeting i burn so many calories laughing! She's the best so she trains people alll the time and it's so funny because usually her trainees suck. But i guess it's becuase we're comparing them to Tracy, who is not comparable! But anyway...oh yes Tracy always tells us to make mini goals. So I'm making a mini goal! My 18th birthday is coming up on March 28th!! It's a bitter sweet feeling. I'm excited to "be and adult" and finally have all these privilages like being able to hold a damn puppy at the pet store without my mom! And on the other hand I hate birthdays because every year I make a plan to be smaller by it, but never happens. WELL THIS IS THE YEAR BABY! On this woman Allison's blog I saw she wanted to lose 36 pounds by her 36th birthday. Well i love that goal it's fun and amazing! So I decided I want to lose 18 pounds by my 18th birthday. I think that's pretty doable! So this year when it's my birthday I will feel good about the attention being on me :)

The Buddy system is back :)

So my friend Hailey was going to the gym with me a couple times and it was so much fun. It's easier to work out with someone than by yourself. But we haven't gone together in over a month. But now my best friend Ashley is joining my gym! Her mom has been saying for years they will join, but they never have. Well now she finally did! The thing about Ash is she is really tiny, but she is the mentally fattest person I know. Exercise is NOT her thing; she walks a step and can't breathe. Well this summer she's going to Africa to help out there and she wants to get in shape and obviously, Ive been going to the gym so it's amazing she's joining! We're going together in about 20 minutes I'm excited!! We're making a weekly schedule and everything! She will be a good motivation and make it fun :) and yesterday my sister and I went grocery shopping and we stocked the house with healthy foods. We got everything from wheat tortillas to fresh blackberries! So that's making the eating easier. Everything is going good! Weigh in tomorrow! WOOT!

Take me back

In the summer of 2008 my sister and I went to a fat camp. We were probably the only kids there that begged our parents rather than being forced to go there. We asked and asked and we really didn't think we were going to get to go because it was really expensive. But our parents surprised us about a month and a half before it started and we were SOOO HAPPY. We were ready to lose weight and had done weight watchers but needed that extra help. Before I went to the camp I lost 20 pounds. Let me tell you, this camp was the best experience of my entire life. Like the blogging community, it just makes it easier when you have people around you struggling with the same things and the support was amazing. I made amazing friends there and some I still talk to. But my motivation at that camp was ridiculous, my whole spirit was a different person. We worked out all the time and ate so well, and everyone accepted you for who you were. There was no judging and it just made an amazing atmosphere where you just felt amazing. Well at camp I lost 22 pounds in 6 weeks and gained amazing friends and i was in so much better shape! But the thing is that when my sister and I got home, we felt like we didn't get real food for so long so we treated ourselves. Then, we didn't know how to get back into things. The problem with the camp is that they show you how to portion, which is amazing, but they don't really give you all healthy foods. Like we'd have fries and pizza, but portioned. I think we should have been eating healthier portioned things but It did teach me about portions and I went back to weight watchers when I got home. I'm so embarassed to say that i have gained ALL the weight back, even a little more. It just makes me feel so disgusting and horrible. It scares me because I felt so good after losing the weight and all it took was a little hard times in my family and friends to get me back to emotional eating. But this time I know you have to fix the inside too. But the point of this post is I found all the pictures from camp yesterday when I was cleaning my room and they really got me back to thinking like I did at camp. And I just think, remember how you felt at camp? get that fire back. So I'm posting some pictures from camp for a little extra motivation for myself! (they are HORRIBLE quality because i had to take pictures of the prints and my camera sucks)

Oh, and every year they have a guest. Well the year I went they had all the biggest losers from the season where Ali won!! she is SO nice and I loved Bernie he was there too! We ran together! And Jen actually worked there! But we got to meet and take pictures with them all but Ali and Bernie were my favorite :)

:) I have all these posted around my room for motivation!

Day with Ash :)

So my best friend Ashley LOVESSSSSS her food. And I love her cleaning :) So whenever my room gets to a point where you can't get in anymore, i call her. She comes over to help me clean and I feed her. Well yesterday I made her fake chicken parmesan and wheat linguini pasta. I'm a vegetarian so I eat meat substitute and veggie patties a lot. Well when she comes over she always wants some and I tell her to back off. So she wanted me to make her something with them. I took an italian seasoned "chick'n" patty and baked it with tomato sauce and fat free mozarella cheese. Then served it with the wheat pasta-SO GOOD! It was amazing! and it was like 7 points and filling to a point where we didn't finish...and that's saying a lot for us. But I didn't stop there, I had to make dessert too! (my room was bad...it took us 6 hours...and we found a dead mouse in a STANDING UP waterbottle...i don't know how it's possible either) So anyway, I made this for dessert- It was 1/2 cup light chocolate ice cream-they didn't have froyo :( but i topped it with a heated up raspberry jam sauce-2 tbsp. and then fresh blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, and black berries- SOO GOOOOOD! And only 4 points!! I have a picture for you here:

I was so proud! It was delicious!

I also added a picture of the 5 point banana pancakes I made to the Accountability post! So check that out!

:)

My Blog Mama

So as I've said about 23949234 times, support is what really keeps me going. When you know you're not alone, it makes things seem less impossible. And I just have to give a quick shout out to this woman Diana. Randomly, she took it upon herself to let the word out about my blog. I couldn't believe it! And she was one of my first followers and she comments the most amazing advice- she's basically my blog mama! So I just want to say to you Diana, thank you so much it means more to me than you'll ever know! Thanks for your support and I'm here to support you on this journey we'll all struggling with but also let you know, your success is inspiring me <3

Hatin' on the Healthy

I HATEEEEEEE it when people take it upon themselves to voice their opinion about you trying to eat healthy. My Dad is the biggest annoyance. I try to go to the grocery store with him and pick out the whole grain products and all that good stuff. And he always says "Kelly, i'm not buying that crap. it costs twice as much and you're just going to go eat something else unhealthy anyway". WOWWWWWWWWWW you're so lucky you're my dad or you'd be knocked out. I HATE it when he tells me that. Wow dad! thanks for being so supportive! NOT. It's really discouraging and annoying. Or when someone goes " EW what is that? it looks like (fill in the blank with the most disturbing things you can think of). Oh! yes! now I definitley don't miss the real version! What the heck I'm trying to be good! Gahh! And then there are the people that tell me "oh you shouldn't eat that because even though it's low in calories and it's just about the most perfect snack you could have, it is filled with chemicals and that's what makes it so low in calories. And of course i'm not going to want to eat it now! You can't win! So then i'm stuck with grapes or something which, don't get me wrong, i LOVE grapes...but so does everyone else. So you take the time to count out every single grape that you hand pick out of the bag because you only get so many for your points. Only to get so excited about them and get to class and have some grabby hands begging for them. yeah right back off! i counted these! After a while, i started counting extra ones to give away. UGHHH Am I alone in this?!

Week 4

Life is too short

today I woke up to the news that one of my friends, Jackie, died. The last time i talked to her we made plans to hang out. Whenever I couldn't sleep she was usually the one I texted because she was ALWAYS up. A year ago I wasnt friends with her. i'd even go as far to say i didnt like her. But this year we had classes together and we became friends. She sits right behind me in consumer class and we talk all the time. On monday the class is going to the computer lab to work on our lifesmart projects. It is basically a project that we plan out our future with finances and stuff. Every time we go to the computer lab it's always my friend kelly sitting on one side of me and jackie on the other. I cant imagine going in on monday and not having jackie sit by me. I dont want to imagine it but i have to. because it's going to be real soon. And it's crazy because we would always talk about our futures and college plans. And now she's gone. 4 months before we graduate high school. I just can't believe how life goes sometimes. She was an amazing person. She wanted to be a nurse and help people. And though i cant believe we'll never walk together or talk in the parking lot, i can learn from her. Life comes and goes and though it's cliche you have to live life like its your last day. because it really could be. and I need to live like that and stop killing myself with unhealthy ways. I have to do it for jackie and more importantly, i have to do it for myself.
Rest in peace jackie, i love you and miss you. But I know you are in a better place <3

Shopping

really sucks when you're fat. Today I went shopping with my best friends and it was really really fun. I helped them pick out clothes and honestly, that is one of my favorite things to do. I've always been fat so when my friends and i would go to the mall they would all want to shop and buy cute clothes. But I was ALWAYS the one in the fitting room, holding stuff, and giving opinions. After a while i became really good at it and people would ask me to help them! And i love fashion so when I help someone with clothes I get really excited because I can't wear what I want, so I basically live through them! I love helping people find just the right things and I'm always honest about how it looks. But while i love dressing other people, once in a while it makes me feel really really bad about myself. I want to be the one trying on clothes I love and it actually fitting and being confident enough to even crack the dressing room door let alone ask someone's opinion! Today was so fun but it made me kind of depressed. People have been telling me it's great that i'm losing the weight while i'm young. and its true, i need to make the changes now. But i feel like while i am young, i am turning 18 in 3 months. My childhood and teen years are basically gone and this is the time to hang out at the mall and pick cute clothes and just basically be young. I just feel like i've wasted so much time. So this is another set of goals:
1. To go shopping with friends and try on clothes and ask opinions! And of course have it fit!
2. Be able to borrow clothes from friends.
I hate when you end up going to someone's house and it rained, or you spilled something, or you are spontaniously sleeping over. Because they always say "you can borrow something". I mean, OF COURSE I would want to borrow something, but the pair of pants you just handed me will hardly cover my ankle! And then they do that "oh no, i have a really big t-shirt and sweatpants". Hmm...that's funny...i didn't know size medium was the new really big.  I hate it so much and i get self conscious about it and have to go all the way back to my house and spend an hour finding an outfit to sleep in that looks semi-okay. I just want to be able to wear what I want! But all in all, my day was really good. I got to see my amazing friends, they bought amazing things, I ate good, and gym class KICKED MY ASS. I'm going to feel it tomorrow but it's worth it!!
**I was planning on posting the weekly picture, but of course it was the one day my mom took the camera to work and forgot it and the webcam comes up like crap. So they will be posted tomorrow!!

Support

is so important. I know i say this all the time but it's true! i'm trying to lose weight. it's a fact. anyone looking at me can tell you i should. so really, its not secret. But in middle school i was too embarassed to even bring a can of diet soda to lunch after a girl asked me if i was on a diet since i was drinking it. I always tried to hide it. But the thing is, now doing weight watchers, it's not a diet. It truly is a lifestyle change. And i shouldn't have to hide the fact that i want to be healthy. All my friends know that I'm trying to lose weight and they all support me. Especially my best friend Jazz. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She's my backbone! She is always supporting me and inspiring me throughout everything. And I feel like without support like hers i would never succeed. And not that i really have any position to give advice, but i'm giving it anyway to make myself feel wise! But seriously, if you want to be successful with your weight loss journey, you can't be alone for the ride. If you are, you are setting yourself up for failure. Bring others along and let them help you because it will be your key to success :)

I haven't felt this good...well ever

I feel so good it's unreal. I remember going on my first diet in 2nd grade. 2ND GRADE. it's ridiculous. you'd think by now i'd be skinny after living for so long unhappy. But yet here i am. However, i feel like it is because i havent been truly ready to lose the weight. i've always tried to lose weight because i felt that was what i needed to be happy. But in reality i was doing it to make others happy. "oh if i go to fat camp and come back skinny i'll get a boyfriend." or "oh if i lose the weight my parents will be proud of me". But what about ME? I mean, it is MY body. I need to lose the weight for myself or i will never keep it off. I'm not even 18 yet! I have to start fresh before my years are gone! And i feel i am finally ready. And I feel that there's a reason i decided to make a blog and found blog to lose. And i'm so grateful for people following me and talking to me because it's nice to know you're not alone. I've been eating right, even cooking. I've been going to the gym every day and it just makes me feel so good. When i wasn't doing good i just felt gross all the time. I can see jeans in my near future i'm so ready to start wearing them again! And i'm waiting for my college letters I hope i get accepted. If i do, it will be one more thing pushing me. I'M SO MOTIVATED :)

Wake up call

So yesterday was the New Years Party. And EVERY year I say "This is my year. This is the year I will get it together and finally lose the weight and take my life back and live it to the fullest." Sadly, that is still my resolution. But this year I added to have as much fun as possible by doing everything I want to do without letting my weight hold me back. My ultimate New Years resolution is that next new years, I won't have any regrets. I am honestly so ready to commit full on. I did so good with eating at the party!! I was so proud! But what really hit me was a show that I am actually watching right now. I don't know what it's called but it's on TLC and it really woke me up. It's about this woman who weighed more than 800 lbs and she wanted to get bipass surgery. She was doing well and suddenly just died. Her weight KILLED her. And I thought to myself, "How can someone let themselves get to that point?" But then I realized that it just happens when you live that unhealthy of a lifestyle. And the scariest part is, I'm on that path. Some day, that woman could be ME. And I refuse to let that happen. This really hit me hard and the woman had originally wanted to tape her jouney to help others realize they need to seek help and fix their weight to live their lives. And I feel like it was a sign from God and this woman Renee. This is my year, and next year my resolution will be to MAINTAIN the weight I've lost and just live my life. I'm ready to start loving myself and life.