Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Camera Cat Fight?

Sorry but my camera and I are in a fight. I avoided her so much she apparently isn't ready to forgive me because she won't transfer my videos onto the computer! She's holding them hostage! So for now, words will have to work :)

Today was better I ate well and I am feeling much better. I am really focusing on my water intake and drank like 70 ounces today!! My main problem is the gym. I love being there, but hate getting there. I have to get my butt there to realize I want to work out. However, I did get a good deal on a bodybugg and hope that will help me! I never trust what the machines say I am burning. I am also trying to get more actively involved in general with fun things. I'm trying to make most of the zumba classes and I bought some boxing gloves on ebay today! I've always wanted to learn so I think I will give it a try! That's really it for now I have to go study for a test so I will catch up with you all later. And I hope you all know your support means the world to me. Hopefully my camera will give us a video tomorrow but until then, OVWA!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Open Doors!

Hey guys! Today is going really well Tuesdays are busy with school and work so I have that structure benefit. I am planning on heading to the gym afterwards so that should be fun! Haha But don't worry I didn't turn my back on my camera I will have a new video for you hopefully tonight. See you then!!

P.S. I have decided to take up the opportunity to study next year in Ireland...literally a dream come true! I have added a "widget" (funny word!) to the right of my blog. If you want to make a donation just click the "chip in" button and donate anything you want! A penny is a blessing!! But I know that things are tough these days and people don't even have enough money for themselves, hence, this fundraiser. So do not worry about it if you can't, your support is enough!! I love you all, posting a video later :)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

venting and healing

So I was trying to fall asleep but all I could think about was this blog. I know I have not been posting the last 2 weeks and I am so sorry. I don't quite know why I am apologizing to you, but I feel like it's easier to say sorry to you than to myself. I have noticed a pattern in my life. Every time I see something working for me, I find some way to ruin it. It seems nothing works out for me and I use that as an excuse to never succeed in anything when the truth is, the thing that holds me back is ME. These last couple weeks I have been feeling myself fall into a sort of downward spiral.

It all started with the sudden news that my uncle had passed away from a heart attack. It led to seeing all my family which always leads to a lot of love, but a lot of opinions. On my dad's side of the family I have 2 grandmas (identical twins) a grandpa (duh), 20 aunts and uncles, and over 30 cousins...there's a lot of people! Everyone was asking me how college was going. You see my cousins are all amazing. They go to amazing schools and get scholarships and it seems I am one of the few grand kids that are not up for the Nobel prize. I am also the only cousin that goes to community college while the others are off at universities. My grandma tells me that I am smart because I am saving so much money. But no one understands that community college is NOT college. It is high school all over again except you don't know anyone. It's like my parents expect me to go there and live at home to save money, yet they make me feel like I'm I'm latching on to them because I'm not "on my own". Family things have been hard this last year because my parents recently got divorced. It's one of those things where a lot of people have parents that are divorced but when they were like 7 years old and it seems your feelings are childish because you're going through it at such an old age.

Back to school...because I do hate going to my school so much I literally have no motivation to try. I just don't care and it really upsets me. I can't take any interesting classes because the only ones that will transfer are general eds. I can feel myself sinking into almost a depression like I was last year and I almost let all my friends go and was when I gained all this weight back. And I have let myself feed in, literally, to these emotions without even trying to fight back. I have felt like absolute crap and I'm really really tired of it. I was sitting in bed asking myself, what is something you have accomplished in the last 2 weeks. And I could not think of ONE thing. I know that attitude is what you make of it and things need to be dealt with in order to move past them. So I am writing all of this to you so that I can stop letting it keep me prisoner in my own body. Today one of my best friends said to me "I don't understand why people don't want to take the effort to take care of themselves. I feel like that should be the number one priority because when all is said and done, the only person you have forever is yourself. You are the person you see everyday and why wouldn't you want to love that person?" And while she had no idea that it had anything to do with what was going on with me, I can honestly say it changed my whole outlook. She's right. You are the one person you are stuck with for the rest of your life and you have the power to make that person into the best you can be. I have been so caught up in what life has thrown at me I have not taken the time to realize that shit happens and the only thing we can control is how it affects us. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this person I have become...I don't even know this person.

So I say to you thank you for letting me vent all this and sort things out here.

And I say to myself, I am sorry for letting you down all this time and holding you back. But from now on, we are becoming who we've always known we could be. NO MORE EXCUSES.

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