Thursday, March 18, 2010

I'm where i started

i'm disgusted with myself. i simply don't know what to do anymore. you know when you get into that way of gaining and you just feel hopeless and all you do is gain some more? i hope that's not just me. ironically, biggest loser was the catalyst. i've been wanting to try out for that show since i was 14 and now i was turning 18 i thought for sure it was fate that i be on the show. So when i decided to try out i decided i better not lose weight. it was the dumbest thing i've ever done and now i'm paying for it. OF COURSE i didn't make the show, what was i thinking? I'm definitley one to day dream and think of "what if" and obviously, get caught up. What have i done to myself? I know there's nothing I can do but get up and start again but i am so not motivated. The worst thing you can do is feel as though you're not worth it and thought i know it's wrong I can't help but think it. All i can think of is how I am going to graduate and go TO PROM FAT. This blog was a complete failure. I didn't lose any pounds for prom. I'm not shopping for a dress and I'm definitley not going with a date. I just don't know what to do to get myself started again. I've done this so many times before it's not fair that we have to struggle with this time after time. I just want to be healthy and feel good. i can completely tell the difference I feel like crap. Eating the way I do makes me lazy, resulting in gaining weight and sending me into comforting myself in food and into this cycle. But when i signed on tonight on my blog and saw how people actually wanted to know how I was doing I was first ashamed. I was hoping you all thought I got rid of internet or something...but no. It's not the truth. I can't even remember the last time i was at weight watchers. Ugh this post is depressing and whiney i hate it. I don't know if I'll post it. I just need some support does anyone have any advice for me? anyone please help me :(

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