Friday, January 7, 2011

Time is a scary thing

For this I did not make a video because honestly, I don't think I could. Exactly one year ago my friend Jackie's life was tragically taken from her when her family's car slid into a semi-truck on the highway. It was a blizzard storm, ice everywhere and she and her mom died. I made an entry this day last year promising Jack that I would use her death as a meaning to my own life. That life is so short and it can be taken from us in an instant. I swore to her that I would get myself healthy and stop making a mockery of the blessing of life. 

But I broke that promise.

I really started to think about this and I came to find what a hypocrite I actually am. One of my best friends and I have had a falling out because she has bipolar disease. The disease makes her manipulative and moody. Quite frankly, a real bitch; but I know it is the disease. And there are so many things she can do to help it whether it's pills, exercising, eating right, going to therapy and so much more. I tried and tried to help her until finally, she hated me and thought I wasn't being there for her because I told her the truth instead of walking on eggshells around her like everyone else. And I could not believe that she didn't want to take the time to do small simple things to save her life and she didn't want to face reality. Then I realized I am exactly the same. If I just went to the gym and watched my weight and got the right amount of sleep and many other small things, I could lose this weight and be healthy. I am committing suicide by not doing it and that makes me no better than her. I am no one to judge. So while I cannot help her, I can help myself and try to show her what can be done. 

So I am not a year late to keeping my promise to Jackie, I am 18 years late to keeping a promise to myself. And for that I am sorry, but I am ready to make an honest woman of myself and though it is late, keep that promise to Jack and myself. This IS my year and I'm not going to let Jackie down, and I'm certainly not going to let myself down.


  1. Kelly, This was a FABULOUS post and I KNOW you can and will do this...I can tell. You have a great deal of maturity and your resolve shines through.

    I have bipolar disorder but that doesn't mean I don't take full responsibility for my actions and the way I treat people. There is plenty of help and you can own your actions and your life. People can blame being moody on the bipolar, but not being manipulative and treating others poorly. Unfortunately, too many go untreated and unwilling to do what is necessary to help themselves, and try to blame their poor behavior on their disease rather than owning responsibility for the way they act.

    You are right. You cannot help her. Only she can help herself. Only you can help yourself. Only I can help myself and so on. There is always support, love and above all KINDNESS (which goes a long way in the world) but when it comes down to *doing the work* necessary to live a healthy life, the fact of the matter is, as you said, it's up to the invividual to take care of themself and not let themself down.

    You are an inspiration!!

  2. This is a beautiful post. We are all growing our hearts to self acceptance in this journey and you are doing a fantastic job of analyzing your choices. It's difficult, but it gets easier with practice. Thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings with us and don't stuff them down with food (like I did earlier today :( That was naughty).

    Anyhoooooodle, be the best Kelly you can be and others will be inspired by your hard work!

  3. I loved this post too! You sound so pumped up and ready to go! No sense in looking at time lost, it's what you do NOW that counts! It really is simple once you do it and you will feel SO much better, I know you will! Use the blog to vent and get your feelings out. This lasts, food doesn't. Stay positive and keep it up!

  4. You can only help yourself,you can get some outside help along the way if you ask for it, no one is a mind reader, you have asked for help and inspiration, but I don't think you realise, you too are an inspiration to others on the same journey as you.
    Keep up the good work, you will see the changes, some faster than others but stay on the same track and try not to divert and you should be there in no time

  5. I love this post, and i talked about some of the same issues on my blog today too.

    We can do this together Kelly



  6. Hey girl! Thanks so much for your comment on my post yesterday! You even inspired me to do my first "vlog" today, so I hope you will come check it out! =)

    I am so impressed by your determination. You can do this - and it seems like you have a wonderful support system here. Keep up the great work!

  7. You are a smart woman Kelly! Thank you for being so honest and open ... quite refreshing.

  8. This post brought tears to my eyes. My best friend is bipolar and though I love her like a sister, we have our issues. And I, like you, have pledged to get healthy in honor of the people I have lost, in my case, my parents. This time I am finally doing it (37 pounds in 2.5 months) but I feel myself falling through the emotions as well. Keep your determination and succeed along with me. I'll be back to cheer you on!

  9. Great post, and very familiar to my own life and impetus for weight loss. Good for you!

    Polar's Mom


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