So I was trying to fall asleep but all I could think about was this blog. I know I have not been posting the last 2 weeks and I am so sorry. I don't quite know why I am apologizing to you, but I feel like it's easier to say sorry to you than to myself. I have noticed a pattern in my life. Every time I see something working for me, I find some way to ruin it. It seems nothing works out for me and I use that as an excuse to never succeed in anything when the truth is, the thing that holds me back is ME. These last couple weeks I have been feeling myself fall into a sort of downward spiral.
It all started with the sudden news that my uncle had passed away from a heart attack. It led to seeing all my family which always leads to a lot of love, but a lot of opinions. On my dad's side of the family I have 2 grandmas (identical twins) a grandpa (duh), 20 aunts and uncles, and over 30 cousins...there's a lot of people! Everyone was asking me how college was going. You see my cousins are all amazing. They go to amazing schools and get scholarships and it seems I am one of the few grand kids that are not up for the Nobel prize. I am also the only cousin that goes to community college while the others are off at universities. My grandma tells me that I am smart because I am saving so much money. But no one understands that community college is NOT college. It is high school all over again except you don't know anyone. It's like my parents expect me to go there and live at home to save money, yet they make me feel like I'm I'm latching on to them because I'm not "on my own". Family things have been hard this last year because my parents recently got divorced. It's one of those things where a lot of people have parents that are divorced but when they were like 7 years old and it seems your feelings are childish because you're going through it at such an old age.
Back to school...because I do hate going to my school so much I literally have no motivation to try. I just don't care and it really upsets me. I can't take any interesting classes because the only ones that will transfer are general eds. I can feel myself sinking into almost a depression like I was last year and I almost let all my friends go and was when I gained all this weight back. And I have let myself feed in, literally, to these emotions without even trying to fight back. I have felt like absolute crap and I'm really really tired of it. I was sitting in bed asking myself, what is something you have accomplished in the last 2 weeks. And I could not think of ONE thing. I know that attitude is what you make of it and things need to be dealt with in order to move past them. So I am writing all of this to you so that I can stop letting it keep me prisoner in my own body. Today one of my best friends said to me "I don't understand why people don't want to take the effort to take care of themselves. I feel like that should be the number one priority because when all is said and done, the only person you have forever is yourself. You are the person you see everyday and why wouldn't you want to love that person?" And while she had no idea that it had anything to do with what was going on with me, I can honestly say it changed my whole outlook. She's right. You are the one person you are stuck with for the rest of your life and you have the power to make that person into the best you can be. I have been so caught up in what life has thrown at me I have not taken the time to realize that shit happens and the only thing we can control is how it affects us. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this person I have become...I don't even know this person.
So I say to you thank you for letting me vent all this and sort things out here.
And I say to myself, I am sorry for letting you down all this time and holding you back. But from now on, we are becoming who we've always known we could be. NO MORE EXCUSES.
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Life will always get in the way. Just keep focusing on the important things in life. No excuses. :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Kelly! I'm glad you checked in with us, but so sorry to hear you so down on yourself.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you something about my college experience. I went to a very expensive private college. Know what it was like? It was just like freaking high school and I hated it. I learned very little in my major courses and now I can see I was in the wrong major all along. I took all the business stuff in high school and then took it again in college. You'll be glad to have the general ed out of the way once you get transferred to where you want to be. Maybe you could sneak in a fun class every now and then. But my advice is to remember that your college training isn't your "life" right now. The main focus should be getting yourself healthy. You're going to feel better about things and more in control of your life if you do what you know is best for you.
It sounds like you have a very wise friend and I'm going to take what she said to heart as well. She's right!
Don't think so much about what you have or have not accomplished so far . . .think about what you're about to accomplish next! It's so much fun to have something that you're looking forward to, isn't it? I usually try to have a few things like that up my sleeve to keep me chugging along.
And please check in - even if you're having the blahs because we love you and miss you when you aren't around!